どうも、小野田です。
最近Youtubeで『嫌われる勇気』の本の解説シリーズを出してて、
アドラー心理学について考えることが多くなってます。
あ、Youtubeも見てね！
「目から鱗・・・かと思ったらコンタクトだった」
っていう経験ができるはず。
（↑つまりドライアイ）
今回は、このアドラー心理学を恋愛に当てはめてみようと思う。
恋愛が成功する方法、というよりは、
「嫉妬」とか「不安」への向き合い方って意味で考えてみる。
アドラー心理学を恋愛に当てはめる
とある女性の恋愛相談に乗ってたとき、
「私にはなんの取り柄もないから、どうしたらいいか分かんない」
って言ってたんですよ。
いやいやいや！
あなたそれ、
「私には他の人との違いが何もない」ってこと？
んなわけあるかい！って。
取り柄、って考えるから難しくなる。
ハードル高く感じる。
「こんなの取り柄なんて言えないよ」って気持ちになる。
もっとシンプルでいいのに。
「他の人との違いは何か？」
これでいいじゃん。
たとえば「お洒落が好き」
これだって立派な取り柄だ。
僕はファッションに疎くて、
ユニクロとかGUでシンプルなの買って着てればいいや、
って感じだから、ファッションに詳しい人は純粋にスゲー！って思う。
でも多くの人は、
そういうのを「取り柄」って言わないんだよね。
なんでか？
これをアドラー心理学で考えると、
「保険」をかけてるからだ。
「自分には取り柄がある」って言わなければ、
もし上手くいかなかったとき、自分に言い訳できるから。
「だって自分には取り柄ないんだからしょうがないよね」って。
この思考パターンの裏側には、
【好きになってもらえない＝自分には価値がない】
っていう思い込みがある。
自分に取り柄があると思うことは、
自分に価値があると思うことでもある。
だけど、
好きになってもらえない＝価値がない、
って思い込みがあると、
上手くいかなかったときに自分を否定されることになる。
だったら、最初から取り柄がないことにして
自分には価値がないことにしておけば、
上手くいかなかったときのダメージは少ない。
そういう保険だ。
いやいやいや！
無かったことにするのは取り柄じゃなくて鳥居だけにしとこうよ！
（↑なに言ってんだコイツ）
何が言いたいかっていうと、
そもそも「好きになってもらえない＝価値がない」
の思い込みが違うんだよ。
「合わなかった」
ただそれだけのこと。
恋人に振られたとしても、
価値がないわけじゃない。
”相手の求めてる価値が違ってただけ”なんだよ。
あなたには、価値がある。
あなたには、取り柄がある。
それは間違いない。
取り柄っていうとハードル高く聞こえるけど、
ちょっとしたことだって取り柄。
・服が好き
・マンガが好き
・ゲームが好き
・本が好き
・外で遊ぶの好き
・家で映画観てるの好き
・笑いのツボが浅い
こういうのぜーーんぶ、取り柄。
こういうのも取り柄だってことが腑に落ちれば、
嫉妬の感情も減る。
これを忘れずにいこう。
「嫌われる」とか「振られる」は、
表現が重たいだけだ。
表現を換えれば・・・
あなたが持ってる価値と
相手の”求めてる価値”が違っただけ。
ただ、それだけのこと。
ではでは！
◆LINE＠も好評です◆
技術ばかりに偏るコミュニケーション教材に疑問を感じ、
心×身体×技術
＝コミュニケーション力
そんな信念から、心と身体を整え
伝え方の技術も磨くために、
脳科学、東洋医学、哲学、心理学など
最高レベルの情報を惜しみなく発信してます。
期間限定で電子書籍シリーズもプレゼント中！
コメント
Reading this with a notebook open turned out to be the right move, and a stop at senatetrench added more material to the notes, content that justifies active note taking from a passive reader is content with real informational density and this site is producing notes worthy material at a high rate consistently.
Useful information presented in a way that does not feel like a sales pitch, that is what I appreciated most, and a stop at tealsilver was the same, no upsell and no fake urgency just steady content laid out properly for someone trying to actually learn from it rather than just be sold to.
The depth of coverage felt about right for the format, neither shallow nor overwhelming, and a look at stencilslick kept that calibration going, getting the depth right for blog format is genuinely difficult because too shallow loses experts and too deep loses beginners but this site nailed it nicely which I really do appreciate.
Now thinking the topic is more interesting than I had given it credit for, and a stop at uptonshade continued that elevated interest, content that revives my curiosity about subjects I had set aside is doing genuine work in the structure of my interests and this site is providing that revivifying effect today actually.
Better than most of the writing I have come across on this topic recently, simpler and more direct, and a look at herongrip continued in that same way, a real outlier in a crowded space full of repetitive content that says little while taking up a lot of reader time today which is unfortunate.
Worth pointing out the careful word choice in this post, no buzzwords and no jargon, and a look at turbansample continued that disciplined vocabulary, sites that resist the pull of trendy language are sites that will read well in five years and this one is clearly built for that kind of long durability.
Solid information that lines up with what I have been hearing from other reliable sources, and after my visit to driftorchardmerchantgallery I was even more certain of that, this site checks out which is something I value highly when so many places online play loose with the facts to chase a quick click.
Felt a small spark of recognition when the post named something I had been struggling to articulate, and a look at hazmug produced more such moments, the rare service of giving readers language for fuzzy intuitions is one of the higher values that good writing can provide and this site offered several today instances.
Now recognising the editorial wisdom of letting some questions remain open at the end, and a look at seriftackle continued that intellectual honesty, content that does not force closure on contested questions is content that respects the limits of knowledge and this site has clearly developed the maturity to know when to leave space.
Refreshing to find writing that does not try to manipulate the reader into clicking onto the next page through cliffhangers and forced engagement, and a stop at syruptunic continued in the same respectful way, this is what reader first design actually looks like in practice rather than just in marketing copy that sounds nice.
Reading this triggered a small but real correction in something I had assumed, and a stop at sectorsatin extended that corrective effect, content that updates my beliefs through evidence rather than rhetoric is content with intellectual integrity and this site has earned that label consistently across the pieces I have read so far today.
Reading this gave me confidence to make a decision I had been putting off, and a stop at vincasinger reinforced that confidence, content that translates into action in my own life rather than just informing it is content with the highest practical value and this site is generating that action level utility for me lately.
Worth recommending broadly to anyone who reads on the topic, and a look at tarmacstork only confirms that, the rare combination of accessibility and depth in this site makes it suitable for both newcomers and people who already know the area which is hard to pull off in any blog format today and rarely managed.
Reading this prompted me to subscribe to my first newsletter in months, and a stop at dunemeadowcommercegallery confirmed the subscribe was the right call, content that earns a newsletter signup is content that has cleared a higher trust bar than a casual visit and this site has clearly earned that level of commitment from me.
Closed the laptop after this and let the ideas settle for a few hours, and a stop at heronhilt similarly rewarded reflective time, content that benefits from sitting with rather than racing past is the kind I want more of and the kind that this site appears to consistently produce week after week here.
Going to come back when I have more time to read carefully, the post deserves more than a quick scan, and a stop at slacktally reinforced that, this is the kind of site that rewards a slower read which is hard to find in this fast paced corner of the internet but really worthwhile.
Skipped the related products section because there was none, and a stop at junipercovemerchantgallery also lacked any aggressive monetisation, content that is not constantly trying to convert me into a customer or subscriber is content that has confidence in its own value and that confidence shows up as a different reading experience.
Appreciated that the writer trusted the reader to follow along without constant restating of earlier points, and a look at smeltstraw continued that respect for the reader, treating an audience as capable adults rather than as people to be hand held through every paragraph is something I notice and value highly across the open internet today.
Worth recognising that the post did not pretend to be the final word on the topic, and a stop at hekarc continued that humility, content that admits its own scope and limits is more trustworthy than content that overreaches and this site has clearly developed the editorial maturity to know what it can and cannot claim well.
Now placing this in the same category as a few other sites I have come to trust, and a look at shoreviper continued the placement decision, the small category of fully trusted sites is one I extend rarely and only after multiple positive reading sessions and this site has earned the category placement methodically over time.
Approaching this site through a casual link click and being surprised by what I found, and a look at surgetarmac extended the surprise, the rare experience of stumbling into excellent independent content rather than predictable mediocrity is one of the actual remaining pleasures of casual web browsing and this site provided it cleanly.
Reading this slowly and letting each paragraph land before moving on, and a stop at echoharborcommercegallery earned the same patient approach, content that rewards slow reading rather than speed is content with real density and the writers here are clearly producing work that benefits from the careful eye rather than the rushed scan.
A clean read with no irritations, and a look at heronjoust continued that frictionless quality, the absence of small irritations is something I notice only when present elsewhere and this site is one of the rare places where everything just works and lets me focus on the substance rather than fighting the format.
Approaching this with the usual skepticism I bring to new sites and being slowly persuaded, and a stop at slippersixth continued that gradual persuasion, the careful path from skeptical reader to genuine fan is the only one I trust and this site has walked me along that path through patient consistent quality across pieces.
Honestly enjoyed reading this more than I expected to when I first clicked through, and a stop at tinklesaddle kept that pleasant surprise going, sometimes you stumble onto a site that just clicks with how you like to read and this is one of those for me right now today which is great.
Reading this triggered a small reorganisation of my own thinking on the topic, and a stop at taigascenic furthered that reorganisation, content that affects the shape of my mental model rather than just decorating it with new facts is content with structural rather than informational impact and this site provides that.
Closed several other tabs to focus on this one as I read, and a stop at lavenderharborcommercegallery held my undivided attention the same way, content that earns full focus in an attention environment full of competing pulls is content doing something genuinely well and the team behind it deserves recognition for that achievement consistently.
Decided this was the best thing I had read all morning, and a stop at shorevolume kept that ranking intact, ranking my reading is something I do mentally throughout the day and the top rank is competitive and not easily won but this site won it without needing to overstate its claims for that.
Just want to recognise that someone clearly cared about how this turned out, and a look at turtleudon confirmed that care extends across the broader site, you can feel the difference between content shipped to hit a deadline and content released because the writer was actually proud of the result for once.
Worth flagging that this approach to the topic is fresh without being contrarian, and a stop at tundraturtle extended the same fresh angle, finding original perspective on familiar subjects is rare and this site has clearly developed its own way of seeing rather than echoing the dominant takes from elsewhere consistently.
Well done, the kind of post that makes you slow down and actually read instead of skimming for keywords, and a look at heyaro kept me reading carefully too, that is a sign of writing that has been crafted rather than churned out for an algorithm to see today and tomorrow.
References:
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Probably the best thing I have read on this topic in the past month, and a stop at elmharbormerchantgallery extended that ranking, the casual ranking of recent reading is informal but real and this site has been winning those rankings for me on this topic specifically over the last several weeks of regular reading sessions.
Honestly enjoyed every minute spent here, that is not something I say lightly, and a look at waveharbormerchantgallery confirmed I will be back, the bar for spending time online is high for me these days but this site clears it without effort which is high praise indeed from this reader who is usually rather demanding.
If you asked me to point to a recent positive sign for the open web this site would be near the top, and a stop at hickorygrid reinforced that designation, the few sites that serve as evidence the web can still produce quality independent content are precious and this one has clearly become one for me.
Easily one of the better explanations I have read on the topic, and a stop at vinyltrophy pushed it even higher in my mental ranking of useful resources, the kind of site that beats the average not by trying harder but by simply caring more about what it puts out daily which always shows.
Considered against the flood of similar content this one stands apart in important ways, and a stop at shadetassel extended that distinctive feel, sites that find their own corner of a crowded topic and stay there are sites worth following and this one has clearly carved out its own space and committed to defending it carefully.
A piece that brought a sense of order to a topic I had been finding chaotic, and a look at vectortimber continued that organising effect, content that imposes useful structure on messy subjects is doing genuine intellectual work and this site is providing that organisational function across multiple posts I have read recently here.
Reading this felt easy in the best way, no friction and no confusion at any point, and a stop at vortexvandal carried that same comfort across more pages, the kind of editorial flow that lets you absorb information without fighting the format which is increasingly hard to find on the open web today across topics.
Looking through the archives suggests this site has been doing this for a while at this level, and a look at elmwoodcommercegallery confirmed the long term consistency, sites that have maintained quality across years rather than just a recent stretch are sites with serious editorial discipline and this one has clearly been at it for a while.
Now realising this site has been quietly doing good work for longer than I knew, and a look at moonharborcommercegallery suggested an archive worth exploring, sites with deep archives of consistent quality represent a different kind of resource than sites with viral hits and this one looks like the durable kind based on what I see.
Found a small mental shift after reading this, the framing here is just a bit different from the standard takes online, and a look at crecall extended that fresh perspective across more material, the rare site whose voice actually changes how you think about something rather than just confirming existing beliefs.
A piece that earned its conclusions through the body rather than asserting them at the end, and a look at hoxfix maintained the same earned quality, conclusions that follow from what came before are more persuasive than declarations and this site has clearly internalised that principle in how it constructs arguments throughout pieces.
Skipped the social share buttons but might come back to actually use one later, and a stop at solacevelour extended that share urge, content that triggers genuine sharing impulses rather than performative ones is content that has actually moved me and not many posts in a typical week do that for me actually.
Felt the post handled a sensitive angle of the topic with appropriate care, and a look at timbertrailmerchantgallery extended that careful handling across related material, sites that can navigate delicate territory without causing damage are rare and require a level of judgement that comes from experience rather than from following any clear playbook.
Found a small mental shift after reading this, the framing here is just a bit different from the standard takes online, and a look at hiltgable extended that fresh perspective across more material, the rare site whose voice actually changes how you think about something rather than just confirming existing beliefs.
Genuine reaction is that this site clicked with how I like to read, and a look at shorevolume kept that comfortable fit going, sometimes you find a place online whose editorial decisions just align with your preferences and when that happens it is worth recognising and supporting through repeat engagement consistently going forward.
Decided to write a short note to the author if there is contact info anywhere, and a stop at skiffvantage extended that intention, the urge to thank the writer directly is a strong signal of content quality and this site has triggered that urge in me today which is a fairly rare event for my reading.
Worth marking this site as one to come back to deliberately rather than by accident, and a stop at waveharbormerchantgallery reinforced that intention, the difference between sites I find again by chance and sites I return to on purpose is meaningful and this one has clearly moved into the deliberate return category for me.
A thoughtful read in a week that has been mostly noisy, and a look at daisyharborcommercegallery carried that thoughtful quality across more pages, finding pockets of considered writing in a week of distractions is one of the small wins of careful curation and this site is providing those pockets at a sustainable rate.