どうも、小野田です。
最近Youtubeで『嫌われる勇気』の本の解説シリーズを出してて、
アドラー心理学について考えることが多くなってます。
あ、Youtubeも見てね！
「目から鱗・・・かと思ったらコンタクトだった」
っていう経験ができるはず。
（↑つまりドライアイ）
今回は、このアドラー心理学を恋愛に当てはめてみようと思う。
恋愛が成功する方法、というよりは、
「嫉妬」とか「不安」への向き合い方って意味で考えてみる。
アドラー心理学を恋愛に当てはめる
とある女性の恋愛相談に乗ってたとき、
「私にはなんの取り柄もないから、どうしたらいいか分かんない」
って言ってたんですよ。
いやいやいや！
あなたそれ、
「私には他の人との違いが何もない」ってこと？
んなわけあるかい！って。
取り柄、って考えるから難しくなる。
ハードル高く感じる。
「こんなの取り柄なんて言えないよ」って気持ちになる。
もっとシンプルでいいのに。
「他の人との違いは何か？」
これでいいじゃん。
たとえば「お洒落が好き」
これだって立派な取り柄だ。
僕はファッションに疎くて、
ユニクロとかGUでシンプルなの買って着てればいいや、
って感じだから、ファッションに詳しい人は純粋にスゲー！って思う。
でも多くの人は、
そういうのを「取り柄」って言わないんだよね。
なんでか？
これをアドラー心理学で考えると、
「保険」をかけてるからだ。
「自分には取り柄がある」って言わなければ、
もし上手くいかなかったとき、自分に言い訳できるから。
「だって自分には取り柄ないんだからしょうがないよね」って。
この思考パターンの裏側には、
【好きになってもらえない＝自分には価値がない】
っていう思い込みがある。
自分に取り柄があると思うことは、
自分に価値があると思うことでもある。
だけど、
好きになってもらえない＝価値がない、
って思い込みがあると、
上手くいかなかったときに自分を否定されることになる。
だったら、最初から取り柄がないことにして
自分には価値がないことにしておけば、
上手くいかなかったときのダメージは少ない。
そういう保険だ。
いやいやいや！
無かったことにするのは取り柄じゃなくて鳥居だけにしとこうよ！
（↑なに言ってんだコイツ）
何が言いたいかっていうと、
そもそも「好きになってもらえない＝価値がない」
の思い込みが違うんだよ。
「合わなかった」
ただそれだけのこと。
恋人に振られたとしても、
価値がないわけじゃない。
”相手の求めてる価値が違ってただけ”なんだよ。
あなたには、価値がある。
あなたには、取り柄がある。
それは間違いない。
取り柄っていうとハードル高く聞こえるけど、
ちょっとしたことだって取り柄。
・服が好き
・マンガが好き
・ゲームが好き
・本が好き
・外で遊ぶの好き
・家で映画観てるの好き
・笑いのツボが浅い
こういうのぜーーんぶ、取り柄。
こういうのも取り柄だってことが腑に落ちれば、
嫉妬の感情も減る。
これを忘れずにいこう。
「嫌われる」とか「振られる」は、
表現が重たいだけだ。
表現を換えれば・・・
あなたが持ってる価値と
相手の”求めてる価値”が違っただけ。
ただ、それだけのこと。
ではでは！
◆LINE＠も好評です◆
技術ばかりに偏るコミュニケーション教材に疑問を感じ、
心×身体×技術
＝コミュニケーション力
そんな信念から、心と身体を整え
伝え方の技術も磨くために、
脳科学、東洋医学、哲学、心理学など
最高レベルの情報を惜しみなく発信してます。
期間限定で電子書籍シリーズもプレゼント中！
コメント
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Stayed longer than planned because each section earned the next, and a look at vankiro kept that pulling effect going across more pages, the kind of subtle pull that good writing exerts on attention is something I find harder and harder to resist when I encounter it on the open web today.
Took some notes for a project I am working on, and a stop at stylezaro added more raw material to those notes, content that contributes to my own creative work rather than just being interesting in the moment is the kind I value most and the kind I will keep coming back to repeatedly.
More original than the recycled takes I keep finding on the topic elsewhere, and a quick look at curvecatch confirmed it, the kind of site that has its own voice rather than echoing whatever is trending which makes it stand out as a refreshing change from the usual rotation of generic content I see daily.
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Worth a slow read rather than the fast scan I usually default to, and a look at growthnavigation earned the same slower pace from me, content that resets my reading speed downward is content with substance worth absorbing and this site has produced that effect on me multiple times now over the last week here.
A welcome contrast to the loud takes that have dominated my feed lately, and a look at norzavo extended that calm voice, content that arrives without yelling has become unusual in the modern attention economy and this site is one of the few places I have found that consistently delivers without raising its voice.
Bookmark earned and folder updated to track this site separately, and a look at leappalette confirmed the folder upgrade was the right call, organising my reading list so that good sites do not get lost in a sea of casual bookmarks is something I do more carefully now and this site warranted its own spot.
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Once I had read three posts the editorial pattern was clear, and a look at outerpastry confirmed the pattern from a fourth angle, sites where the underlying approach reveals itself through accumulated reading rather than being announced are sites with real depth and this one has that quality clearly visible across multiple pieces consistently.
A piece that did not waste any of its substance on sales or promotion, and a look at quarknebula continued that pure content focus, sites that resist the urge to monetise every paragraph are increasingly rare and this one has clearly made the editorial choice to keep the writing clean from commercial intrusion which I value highly.
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A memorable post for me on a topic I had thought I was tired of, and a look at pansyoboe suggested the same site can refresh other tired topics, sites that can revive my interest in subjects I had written off as exhausted are doing rare work and this one is clearly doing that for me today.
Now adding this site to a small mental group of recommendations I keep ready for specific kinds of inquiries, and a stop at basteclose extended the recommendation readiness, content that I can confidently point friends and colleagues toward in specific contexts is content with real social utility and this site has that utility clearly.
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A clear case of writing that does not try to do too much in one post, and a look at onionoval maintained the same scoped discipline, posts that try to cover too much end up covering nothing well and this site has clearly chosen scope discipline as a core editorial principle which shows up clearly in what I read.
A modest masterpiece in its own quiet way, and a look at vanlizo confirmed the same quiet quality across the rest of the site, calling something a masterpiece is usually overstating but for content this carefully crafted the word feels appropriate even if the writers themselves would probably resist the label honestly.
Reading this in a quiet coffee shop matched the calm energy of the writing, and a stop at kivmora extended that environmental match, content that has its own ambient quality which can match or clash with surroundings is content with a personality and this site has the kind of personality that suits calm reading.
Appreciate the work that went into laying this out so clearly, every section earns its place without filler, and a look at tavlizo confirmed the same care, definitely the kind of place that deserves a return visit when the topic comes up again later in the future or for any related question.
Now feeling confident enough in this site to use it as a reference point for evaluating others on the same topic, and a look at dabbyrd continued the comparison friendly quality, sites that serve as quality benchmarks for their topic are precious and this one has clearly become a benchmark for me on this particular subject area.
Thanks for the practical examples scattered through the post rather than abstract theory only, and a look at mivqaro continued that grounded style, abstract points are easier to remember when paired with concrete situations and the writers here clearly understand how readers actually retain information from blog content reading sessions.
Polished and informative without feeling overproduced, that is the sweet spot, and a look at claritydrive hit it again, you can tell when a site has been built with care versus thrown together for the sake of having something to put online and this is clearly the former approach taken by the team.
Took me back a step or two on an assumption I had been making, and a stop at zalqino pushed that reconsideration further, writing that gently corrects the reader without being aggressive about it is a rare diplomatic skill and the team here clearly knows how to land critical points without turning readers off.
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Just want to say thank you for putting this together, posts like these make searching online actually worth it sometimes, and a quick look at qalmizo kept that going, useful and easy to read without any of the tricks that ruin most blog comment sections lately on the wider open web.
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Reading this post made me realise I had been settling for lower quality elsewhere, and a look at directionalvision extended that recalibration, content that exposes how much I had been accepting in adjacent sources is content with calibrating effect on my standards and this site is performing that calibration function across topics for me reliably.
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Now realising this site has been quietly doing good work for longer than I knew, and a look at lemonode suggested an archive worth exploring, sites with deep archives of consistent quality represent a different kind of resource than sites with viral hits and this one looks like the durable kind based on what I see.
References:
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Liked that the post landed without needing to manufacture controversy or take a contrarian stance for attention, and a stop at ploverpatio continued that grounded approach, content that earns attention through quality rather than provocation is the kind that builds long term trust rather than burning it on quick wins.
Now adding the writer to a small mental list of voices I want to follow, and a look at quaymicro reinforced that follow intention, the few writers whose work I actively track are writers who have demonstrated sustained quality and this writer has clearly demonstrated that sustained quality across the pieces I have sampled here today.
Now adding the writer to a small mental list of voices I want to follow, and a look at trendzaro reinforced that follow intention, the few writers whose work I actively track are writers who have demonstrated sustained quality and this writer has clearly demonstrated that sustained quality across the pieces I have sampled here today.
I really like the calm tone here, it does not push anything on the reader, and after I went through quarkpivot I felt the same way, just steady useful content laid out without drama, which is exactly what someone trying to learn something quickly needs to find rather than aggressive marketing.
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Generally I am cautious about recommending sites on first encounter but this one warrants the exception, and a look at pantheroffer reinforced the exception making, the rare site that justifies breaking my normal cautious approach is the rare site worth flagging early and this one has prompted exactly that early flagging response from me.
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Found this through a friend who recommended it and now I see why, and a look at tavmixo only strengthened that recommendation in my own mind, word of mouth still works for content that actually delivers and this site is clearly earning recommendations the old fashioned way through quality rather than marketing.
Looking forward to seeing what gets published next month, and a look at vanqiro extended that anticipation across the broader site, finding myself looking forward to a sites future content rather than just consuming its existing content is a stronger commitment level than I usually reach with new finds and this site triggered that.
Worth saying that the writing carries a particular kind of authority without making any explicit claims to it, and a stop at operalucid extended that earned authority feeling, sites that demonstrate expertise through the quality of their explanations rather than by stating credentials are sites I trust most and this site has it.
Now setting this aside as a model of how to write thoughtfully on the topic, and a stop at danebase extended that model status, content that becomes a reference for how a kind of writing should be done is content with influence beyond its own readership and this site is reaching that level for me clearly today.
After reading several posts back to back the consistent voice across them is impressive, and a stop at modluma continued that voice consistency, sites that maintain a single coherent voice across many pieces by potentially many writers represent serious editorial discipline and this one has clearly developed the institutional consistency needed for that.
Solid value for anyone willing to read carefully, and a look at zarqiro extends that value across the rest of the site, this is the kind of place that rewards return visits rather than offering everything in a single splashy post and then leaving readers nothing to come back for later which is unfortunately common.
Really appreciate the lack of pop ups, modals, cookie banners stacking on top of each other, and a quick visit to clarityoperations confirmed the same clean approach across the rest of the site, technical decisions about user experience are part of what makes content actually pleasant to engage with for sure.
Glad to have another data point on a question I am still thinking through, and a look at qalnexo added two more, content that acknowledges its place in a wider conversation rather than pretending to settle the question alone is intellectually honest in a way that I wish was more common across the open web.