どうも、小野田です。
最近Youtubeで『嫌われる勇気』の本の解説シリーズを出してて、
アドラー心理学について考えることが多くなってます。
あ、Youtubeも見てね！
「目から鱗・・・かと思ったらコンタクトだった」
っていう経験ができるはず。
（↑つまりドライアイ）
今回は、このアドラー心理学を恋愛に当てはめてみようと思う。
恋愛が成功する方法、というよりは、
「嫉妬」とか「不安」への向き合い方って意味で考えてみる。
アドラー心理学を恋愛に当てはめる
とある女性の恋愛相談に乗ってたとき、
「私にはなんの取り柄もないから、どうしたらいいか分かんない」
って言ってたんですよ。
いやいやいや！
あなたそれ、
「私には他の人との違いが何もない」ってこと？
んなわけあるかい！って。
取り柄、って考えるから難しくなる。
ハードル高く感じる。
「こんなの取り柄なんて言えないよ」って気持ちになる。
もっとシンプルでいいのに。
「他の人との違いは何か？」
これでいいじゃん。
たとえば「お洒落が好き」
これだって立派な取り柄だ。
僕はファッションに疎くて、
ユニクロとかGUでシンプルなの買って着てればいいや、
って感じだから、ファッションに詳しい人は純粋にスゲー！って思う。
でも多くの人は、
そういうのを「取り柄」って言わないんだよね。
なんでか？
これをアドラー心理学で考えると、
「保険」をかけてるからだ。
「自分には取り柄がある」って言わなければ、
もし上手くいかなかったとき、自分に言い訳できるから。
「だって自分には取り柄ないんだからしょうがないよね」って。
この思考パターンの裏側には、
【好きになってもらえない＝自分には価値がない】
っていう思い込みがある。
自分に取り柄があると思うことは、
自分に価値があると思うことでもある。
だけど、
好きになってもらえない＝価値がない、
って思い込みがあると、
上手くいかなかったときに自分を否定されることになる。
だったら、最初から取り柄がないことにして
自分には価値がないことにしておけば、
上手くいかなかったときのダメージは少ない。
そういう保険だ。
いやいやいや！
無かったことにするのは取り柄じゃなくて鳥居だけにしとこうよ！
（↑なに言ってんだコイツ）
何が言いたいかっていうと、
そもそも「好きになってもらえない＝価値がない」
の思い込みが違うんだよ。
「合わなかった」
ただそれだけのこと。
恋人に振られたとしても、
価値がないわけじゃない。
”相手の求めてる価値が違ってただけ”なんだよ。
あなたには、価値がある。
あなたには、取り柄がある。
それは間違いない。
取り柄っていうとハードル高く聞こえるけど、
ちょっとしたことだって取り柄。
・服が好き
・マンガが好き
・ゲームが好き
・本が好き
・外で遊ぶの好き
・家で映画観てるの好き
・笑いのツボが浅い
こういうのぜーーんぶ、取り柄。
こういうのも取り柄だってことが腑に落ちれば、
嫉妬の感情も減る。
これを忘れずにいこう。
「嫌われる」とか「振られる」は、
表現が重たいだけだ。
表現を換えれば・・・
あなたが持ってる価値と
相手の”求めてる価値”が違っただけ。
ただ、それだけのこと。
ではでは！
◆LINE＠も好評です◆
技術ばかりに偏るコミュニケーション教材に疑問を感じ、
心×身体×技術
＝コミュニケーション力
そんな信念から、心と身体を整え
伝え方の技術も磨くために、
脳科学、東洋医学、哲学、心理学など
最高レベルの情報を惜しみなく発信してます。
期間限定で電子書籍シリーズもプレゼント中！
コメント
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Reading this brought back the satisfaction I used to get from blogs ten years ago, and a stop at progressbuildsmomentum kept that nostalgic quality alive, sites that capture what was good about an earlier era of internet writing are increasingly precious and this one is doing that without feeling like a deliberate throwback at all.
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Picked this site to mention to a colleague who would benefit, and a look at mutualaxis added more material I will pass along, recommending sites to colleagues is a higher bar than recommending to friends because the professional context demands more careful curation and this site cleared the professional bar without me having to think.
Recommended without reservation for anyone interested in the topic at any level of expertise, and a look at impactbonding only strengthens that recommendation, this site clearly knows how to serve readers across a range of backgrounds without watering down the content or talking past anyone in the audience which is genuinely impressive to see.
Bookmark earned and shared the link with one specific person who would care, and a look at clarityengine got the same targeted share, sharing carefully rather than broadcasting is a discipline I try to maintain and this site is generating shares from me at a sustainable rate rather than the spam rate of viral content.
Reading this prompted me to dig into a related topic later, and a stop at claritybridge provided some of the starting points for that follow up reading, content that triggers further exploration rather than satisfying curiosity completely is content with real generative energy and this site has plenty of that energy throughout it.
Stands out for actually being useful instead of just being long, and a look at focusdrivenclarity kept that going, length without value is the default mode of most blogs these days but this site has clearly chosen a different path which I respect a lot as a reader who values careful editing decisions like that.
Liked that the post resisted a sales pitch ending, and a stop at progressmomentum maintained the no pitch approach, content that ends without trying to convert me into a customer or subscriber is content that has confidence in its own value and this site is clearly playing the long game on reader trust.
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Started reading and ended an hour later without realising the time had passed, and a look at clarityactivation produced the same time dilation effect, when content makes time feel different the writer has achieved something well beyond the average and this site is producing that experience for me reliably across multiple readings.
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Reading this on a difficult day was a small bright spot, and a stop at clevebound extended that brightness, content that improves a hard day is content that has earned a particular kind of place in my reading habits and this site is occupying that uplifting role for me today which I appreciate clearly.
Just nice to read something that does not feel like it was assembled from a content brief, and a stop at progressbuildsforward kept that handcrafted feel going, you can tell when a real human with real understanding is behind the words versus a templated piece churned out for an algorithm to find.
Now feeling confident that this site will continue producing work I will want to read, and a look at claritydrivesprogress extended that confidence into the future, projecting forward from current quality to expected future quality is something I do for sites I genuinely follow and this one has earned that forward looking trust clearly today.
Quietly building a case in my head for why this site deserves more attention than it currently seems to receive, and a look at sharedpath reinforced the case, the gap between quality and recognition is a recurring frustration in independent online content and this site is one of the cases that seems particularly egregious to me today.
Thanks for a post that does not try to be funny when it is not the moment for it, and a stop at bondedcore maintained the same appropriate seriousness, knowing when humour helps and when it just signals desperation for engagement is a sign of editorial maturity that many blogs have not developed yet.
Thanks for sharing this with the open internet rather than locking it behind a paywall like so many sites do now, and a stop at trustvault kept the same vibe going, generous helpful and clearly written by someone who actually wants people to learn from it rather than just charge them.
Honestly impressed by the consistency of voice across what I have read so far, and a quick visit to visionmapping continued that consistent feel, when a site reads like one careful person rather than a committee the experience is more rewarding for the reader who notices these subtle editorial details over time.
Honestly informative, the writer covers the ground without showing off, and a look at trustfoundry reflected the same humility, content that respects the reader rather than trying to dazzle them is something I always appreciate and rarely come across in this corner of the internet today across the topics I usually read.
Honestly this was a good read, no jargon and no padding, and a short look at focuslane kept that same feel going which I really appreciated, the writer clearly knows the topic well enough to explain it without hiding behind big words or filler that often gets used to seem clever.
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I came here looking for a quick answer and ended up reading the whole post because it was actually interesting, and after focusguidesgrowth I had a much fuller picture, no stress and no confusion just a clear walk through the topic that made everything fall into place without much effort.
Comfortable in tone and substantive in content, that is a hard combination to land, and a look at trustaxis kept that pairing alive across more material, this is what good editorial direction looks like in practice and the team here clearly has someone keeping a steady hand on the wheel across what they decide to publish.
Reading this prompted me to clean up some old notes related to the topic, and a stop at ideafocus extended that organising urge, content that triggers personal organisation rather than just consuming attention is content with motivating energy and this site has the kind of clarity that prompts active follow up rather than passive consumption.
Halfway through reading I knew this would be one to bookmark, and a look at trustedharborbond confirmed that early intuition, when bookmark intent forms before finishing a post you know the writing has cleared a quality bar that most content fails to clear and this site has cleared it on multiple visits already.
Honest assessment is that this is one of the better short reads I have had this week, and a look at clarityfollowsfocus reinforced that, the bar for short content is low because most of it sacrifices substance for brevity but this site manages both at once which is harder than it sounds for most writers attempting it.
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Probably this is one of the better quiet successes on the open web at the moment, and a look at signalcreatesfocus reinforced that quiet success quality, sites that are doing well without making a noise about doing well are the sites I most respect and this one has clearly chosen the quiet success path consistently throughout.
Solid value packed into a relatively short post, that takes skill, and a look at ideasunlockvelocity continues the dense useful content across more pages, this site clearly understands that respecting reader time is itself a form of generosity which is something most blog operations seem to have forgotten lately across the wider open web.
Worth recognising that the post did not pretend to be the final word on the topic, and a stop at signalactivatesdirection continued that humility, content that admits its own scope and limits is more trustworthy than content that overreaches and this site has clearly developed the editorial maturity to know what it can and cannot claim well.
Started believing the writer knew the topic deeply by about the second paragraph, and a look at bondedconnections reinforced that confidence, the speed at which a writer establishes credibility through their writing is a useful quality signal and this writer establishes it quickly and quietly without resorting to credential dropping or self promotion.
Felt this in a way I cannot quite explain, the topic just hit different here, and a stop at clutchbulb continued in that vein, sometimes you find a site whose perspective lines up with how you have been thinking and reading their work feels like a small relief which I appreciated more than I expected.
Quiet confidence runs through the whole post, no need to shout to make the points stick, and a stop at capitalbondcraft carried that same restrained voice forward, content that respects the reader by trusting its own substance rather than dressing it up in theatrical language is what I look for online and rarely actually find these days.
Definitely returning here, that is decided, and a look at creativepath only made the case stronger, this is one of those rare websites that rewards regular visits rather than feeling stale after the first read which is something I cannot say about most of the places I bookmark today across all my topics.
Reading this triggered a small change in how I think about the topic going forward, and a stop at progresssystem reinforced that subtle shift, the rare content that actually moves my thinking rather than just confirming or filling it is the kind I most value and this site is providing that kind of impact today.
Quiet confidence runs through the whole post, no need to shout to make the points stick, and a stop at highlandbond carried that same restrained voice forward, content that respects the reader by trusting its own substance rather than dressing it up in theatrical language is what I look for online and rarely actually find these days.
Refreshing change from the usual sites covering this topic, no clickbait and no padding, and a stop at clarityconstructor confirmed the difference, this place clearly has its own voice rather than copying the formulas everyone else uses to chase clicks online which is becoming increasingly rare these days across nearly every popular subject.
Thanks for treating the topic with the seriousness it deserves without becoming pompous about it, and a stop at securebonding continued that balanced treatment, the gap between earnest and self serious is huge and writers who can stay on the right side of it earn my respect when I find them online today.
Now adding the writer to a small mental list of voices I want to follow, and a look at motionoptimizer reinforced that follow intention, the few writers whose work I actively track are writers who have demonstrated sustained quality and this writer has clearly demonstrated that sustained quality across the pieces I have sampled here today.
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Honest assessment is that this is one of the better short reads I have had this week, and a look at bondedprime reinforced that, the bar for short content is low because most of it sacrifices substance for brevity but this site manages both at once which is harder than it sounds for most writers attempting it.
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