【アドラー心理学批判】褒められたい・認められたいで頑張ってもいいじゃない

恋愛・コミュニケーション

どうも、小野田です。

もしあなたが
「褒められたい!認められたい!って思いで
頑張るのはダメなこと」
と思い込んでるなら、ぜひ続きを読んでください。

伝えたいことがあります。
 

「褒められたい」は悪?

ベストセラー『嫌われる勇気』で取り扱われてる
アドラー心理学のなかで、「子育てなどの人間関係で
「人を褒めてはいけない」という主張があります。

”人が他者を褒めるとき、
その目的は「自分よりも能力の劣る相手を
操作すること」なのです。
そこには感謝も尊敬も存在しません。”
(『嫌われる勇気』ダイヤモンド社)

なぜなら、褒められるために頑張ると
自分の人生じゃなくて他者の人生を生きることになって、
ほんとうに心が満たされることはないから。

という考え方です。
 

これには僕も「たしかになー」
と思ってたんですが、同時に、
疑問に思ってたことがあります。

褒められるために頑張る
認められるために頑張る
これってホントに悪いことなのかな?

って。
 

なので、
いろいろ考えたり本を読んでみた結果、
「別にいいよな」という答えに辿り着きました。

大事なのは「褒められたい」が
動機かどうかじゃない。

 

問題なのは、バランス

「褒められたい」が動機でもいいんですよ。
「認められたい」が動機でもいいんですよ。

たしかにこれらは不純かもしれないけど、
はじまりは不純な動機でいいんです。
 

僕自身、最初は「お金稼ぐ方法増やしたいな」
っていう不純な動機で今の活動をはじめました。苦笑

でも、発信してる内に、世の中に
伝えたいことがどんどん溢れてきて、
いつの間にか「誰かの役に立つことがしたい」
という思いが強くなってきました。

だけどそのスタートは、
「周りにすごいと思われたい」
みたいな不純な動機でした。笑
 

不純な動機ではじめよう

人間の心の状態は
「快」か「不快」かの二択である。

というのは、仏教の考え方です。

どちらでもない状態なんてなくて、
それはだんだん退屈になってきて
不快になるんですね。
 

なので、あくまでも大事なのは、

=============
快→エネルギーが入ってくる
不快→エネルギーが漏れてる

=============

ここで見て、不快にならないようにすること。
 

「褒められたい」でもいい

だから、「褒められたい」が動機だとしても、
それでヤル気が上がってたり、
自分から積極的に動けてるような
「快」の状態なら、それでいい
んですよ。

もしやりたいことが分からないなら、
人から褒められることやればいいと思います。

そしたら嬉しいから頑張れます。

積極的に動けるから
いろんな経験もして情報も入ってきます。

いつか本当にやりたいことに
気付けるかもしれないですからね。
 

ただ、これには注意点があって。
 

承認欲求を手放すとき

もし「褒められたい」という思いが原因で、
焦り、不安、不満、怒りが生まれて
あなたを苦しめる(不快)ようになったら、
その承認欲求は手放した方がいい。

「褒められたい」を動機にして
モチベーションにするのはいいんですが、
それが”目的”になってしまうと話が変わります。

そうなると上に書いたような
「不快」が生まれてくるんですね。

そうなったとき、欲を手放しましょう。
 

欲を手放すには?

これ、シンプルです。
覚えておいてください。
テスト出ますよ!

やることは、これだけ。

=============
「あ、自分いま
”褒められたい”と思ってるわ」

と気付くこと。
=============

気付くだけでオッケー。

我慢なんてしなくていいです。
ただただ、自分の心の動きに気付くこと。

それだけで欲って手放せます。
 

まとめると、伝えたかったことはこれ。

不純な動機ではじめたっていい。 ただ「不快」になったら手放そう。

 

では、今回はこれで。
ありがとうございました!

【関連記事】
「褒める」ではなく〇〇をすればいい
 

◆LINE@も好評です◆

技術ばかりに偏るコミュニケーション教材に疑問を感じ、
心×身体×技術
=コミュニケーション力

そんな信念から、心と身体を整え
伝え方の技術も磨くために、
脳科学、東洋医学、哲学、心理学などなど
幅広い分野の知見を惜しみなく発信してます。

直接LINEでのやり取りもできます。
(380人以上が参加!)

(もしくはLINE ID「@carory」で@込みで検索)

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