どうも、小野田です。
最近Youtubeで『嫌われる勇気』の本の解説シリーズを出してて、
アドラー心理学について考えることが多くなってます。
あ、Youtubeも見てね！
「目から鱗・・・かと思ったらコンタクトだった」
っていう経験ができるはず。
（↑つまりドライアイ）
今回は、このアドラー心理学を恋愛に当てはめてみようと思う。
恋愛が成功する方法、というよりは、
「嫉妬」とか「不安」への向き合い方って意味で考えてみる。
アドラー心理学を恋愛に当てはめる
とある女性の恋愛相談に乗ってたとき、
「私にはなんの取り柄もないから、どうしたらいいか分かんない」
って言ってたんですよ。
いやいやいや！
あなたそれ、
「私には他の人との違いが何もない」ってこと？
んなわけあるかい！って。
取り柄、って考えるから難しくなる。
ハードル高く感じる。
「こんなの取り柄なんて言えないよ」って気持ちになる。
もっとシンプルでいいのに。
「他の人との違いは何か？」
これでいいじゃん。
たとえば「お洒落が好き」
これだって立派な取り柄だ。
僕はファッションに疎くて、
ユニクロとかGUでシンプルなの買って着てればいいや、
って感じだから、ファッションに詳しい人は純粋にスゲー！って思う。
でも多くの人は、
そういうのを「取り柄」って言わないんだよね。
なんでか？
これをアドラー心理学で考えると、
「保険」をかけてるからだ。
「自分には取り柄がある」って言わなければ、
もし上手くいかなかったとき、自分に言い訳できるから。
「だって自分には取り柄ないんだからしょうがないよね」って。
この思考パターンの裏側には、
【好きになってもらえない＝自分には価値がない】
っていう思い込みがある。
自分に取り柄があると思うことは、
自分に価値があると思うことでもある。
だけど、
好きになってもらえない＝価値がない、
って思い込みがあると、
上手くいかなかったときに自分を否定されることになる。
だったら、最初から取り柄がないことにして
自分には価値がないことにしておけば、
上手くいかなかったときのダメージは少ない。
そういう保険だ。
いやいやいや！
無かったことにするのは取り柄じゃなくて鳥居だけにしとこうよ！
（↑なに言ってんだコイツ）
何が言いたいかっていうと、
そもそも「好きになってもらえない＝価値がない」
の思い込みが違うんだよ。
「合わなかった」
ただそれだけのこと。
恋人に振られたとしても、
価値がないわけじゃない。
”相手の求めてる価値が違ってただけ”なんだよ。
あなたには、価値がある。
あなたには、取り柄がある。
それは間違いない。
取り柄っていうとハードル高く聞こえるけど、
ちょっとしたことだって取り柄。
・服が好き
・マンガが好き
・ゲームが好き
・本が好き
・外で遊ぶの好き
・家で映画観てるの好き
・笑いのツボが浅い
こういうのぜーーんぶ、取り柄。
こういうのも取り柄だってことが腑に落ちれば、
嫉妬の感情も減る。
これを忘れずにいこう。
「嫌われる」とか「振られる」は、
表現が重たいだけだ。
表現を換えれば・・・
あなたが持ってる価値と
相手の”求めてる価値”が違っただけ。
ただ、それだけのこと。
ではでは！
◆LINE＠も好評です◆
技術ばかりに偏るコミュニケーション教材に疑問を感じ、
心×身体×技術
＝コミュニケーション力
そんな信念から、心と身体を整え
伝え方の技術も磨くために、
脳科学、東洋医学、哲学、心理学など
最高レベルの情報を惜しみなく発信してます。
期間限定で電子書籍シリーズもプレゼント中！
コメント
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A piece that respected the reader by not over explaining the obvious, and a look at abbysauce continued that calibrated approach, finding the right level of explanation is one of the harder editorial calls and this site has clearly thought carefully about what readers will already know versus what they need help with consistently.
After reading several posts back to back the consistent voice across them is impressive, and a stop at nomnomnomfordogs continued that voice consistency, sites that maintain a single coherent voice across many pieces by potentially many writers represent serious editorial discipline and this one has clearly developed the institutional consistency needed for that.
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Reading this slowly because the writing rewards a slower pace, and a stop at brandonlangexperts did the same, the pace at which I read content is something I now use as a quality signal and writing that earns a slower pace earns my attention as a reader looking for substance these days.
Bookmarked the page and the homepage too because clearly there is more to explore here, and a quick stop at FreeSpeechColation only made that more obvious, this is the kind of place I want to dig through over a weekend rather than rushing through during a coffee break tomorrow morning before getting back to work.
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A piece that read as the work of someone who reads carefully themselves, and a look at xaneroholdings continued that informed feel, writers who are also serious readers produce work with a different quality and this site reads as the product of someone steeped in good writing rather than just generating content for an audience.
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Took a screenshot of one section to come back to later, and a stop at kryvoxline prompted another saved tab, the urge to capture and revisit specific pieces of content is something I rarely feel but when I do it tells me the work is worth more than the average passing read for sure.
Well done, the kind of post that makes you slow down and actually read instead of skimming for keywords, and a look at navirocapital kept me reading carefully too, that is a sign of writing that has been crafted rather than churned out for an algorithm to see today and tomorrow.
Reading this back to back with a similar piece elsewhere made the quality difference obvious, and a stop at adirondackfiddlers only widened the gap, comparing content side by side is a useful exercise and the gap between this site and average competitors in the space is large enough to be noticeable from the first paragraph.
Now adding the writer to a small mental list of voices I want to follow, and a look at modernwoodcases reinforced that follow intention, the few writers whose work I actively track are writers who have demonstrated sustained quality and this writer has clearly demonstrated that sustained quality across the pieces I have sampled here today.
Picked this post to share in a Slack channel where I knew it would be appreciated, and a look at colossal-heart suggested I will share more from here later, content worth sharing into a professional context is content that has earned a higher kind of trust than mere personal interest and this site has it.